Check out my other blogs: Life, etc. and Chrisfit

Monday, June 11, 2012

Welcome to 2012?

I need you. I need you now because I'm afraid of what comes next. I've been here before. I know where this path goes if I just let my feet follow it. No good can come of this, I swear it.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Stories for Her

The other night we were talking on the phone when she asked me to tell her a story. "What kind of a story?" I ask. "My phone is dying, I have to go" was her answer. So I sent her the following story (copied word for word) via text:

Once upon a time there was a nervous turtle. He never made any friends because anytime another animal would walk by he would hide in his shell and pretend he didn’t exist. Animals would come and say “hello” and he would hide in his shell and ignore them. Sometimes animals would come up, give him a quick sniff and he would simply hide in his shell and ignore them. One day a beautiful girl came up and saw the turtle hiding there in his shell. From inside, he could hear her say “Hello, Mr Turtle,” and he grew nervous and quiet. He heard her say “I won’t hurt you” but still he stayed silent and refused to come out of his shell. He heard her say “I just wanna be your friend” but he stayed hidden in his shell. And then he heard a sound that he didn’t recognize and then he heard the girl walk away. After he felt safe, knowing she was gone, he came out of his shell and looked around. He notice something different on the back of his shell; it was the perfect pink imprints of the girl’s lips. “Well,” the turtle thought, smiling to himself, “Maybe not everyone is so bad.” And he never hid in his shell again. The End.
Then she was at work and I was sitting at a coffee shop trying to write when she sent me a text saying how much she hated her job. So I sent her this story via text:

Once upon a time there was a girl who worked at Hoggy’s. She hated her job and her evil boss. One night, staring up at the sky, she saw a shooting star. She wished upon the star that didn’t have to work at Hoggy’s anymore. When she woke up the next day she had magically transformed into a kitten. She lived happily ever after. The End.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Only One Word For It

I truly am a fool. I am a hopelessly, irredeemably, foolish boy with less sense than an inbred sea sponge. For it is not enough that I should do something foolish, but that I should then proclaim my foolishness via text (TEXT!) of all the satanic mediums! Oh, that texting was never invented! Alas, alas!

My act of stupidity (or rather, cupidity?) so nearly went undiscovered. For She, that marvellous object of my affections, that object upon which I act out my foolishness, She was not even home! She need never have known! Imagine my great luck, my God-granted pardon, that no one opened that door to see me standing there, a hopeless romantic, a poor, lovesick puppydog gripping desperately in one hand a clutch of daisies, in the other a ukulele (UKULELE!). Had She opened that door, after any of those seventeen seperate times that I knocked, and then had She seen me standing so upon her threshold I should have surely died of shame. As it was, I nearly escaped with my dignity. Were it not for my loathsome need to have my foolishness known

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Sweet Dreams

For the first time in a very long time I had a good dream. And it was all because of the girl sleeping next to me; the girl who wants nothing to do with me. The girl to whom I'm little more than a human pillow. The girl that when I asked her, "What do I mean to you?", kissed me and said "I haven't decided yet." This is the girl that brings me sweet dreams.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Roses for My Darling

I asked a friend if they wanted to go hang out tonight and they told me they couldn't because they'd already made plans with some other friends. To this, I, like a mature adult replied (via text obviously) "That's cool, I'll just have to go have some fun by myself." Which is, of course, the most blatant lie I have ever told. I am easily the least fun person one could possibly be friends with. You know how I know this? Because immediately after sending that text I got into bed and watched four hours of Conan reruns. And you know, that wouldn't even be so bad if I had enjoyed myself. It may not be social or exciting but I said I was going to have fun and, by golly, I had fun. Except that I didn't have fun. I laid there in bed watching Conan and feeling sorry for myself and wishing that I was out having fun. Because I am a not fun person. It's just who I am, and so how can I possibly blame my friends for going out with other friends? I certainly wouldn't want to hang out with me. I do like Conan, though.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I See It All

Sometimes I have this dream where I've woken up and 75 years of my life have just vanished. I awake to find I'm an old man, sad and desperate and lonely; who has wasted his life burning bridges and building walls. In this dream I'm at the edge of life and death with nothing to look forward to but the quiet embrace of my sleep eternal, truly the only reward I deserve from a failed life. And then again sometimes I just wake up and that's all true.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

This Blog is Officially Pointless

Important Update: I have no idea what the fuck is going on in my life right now. I am so lost and confused and....and god damn it, I always need a third one. I need you.