"I have loved to the point of madness"

Why I keep giving up. And why I always give up on giving up too.

This is what I get for trying to take a more healthy and happy approach to life? This is what I get? The dreams again? Worse than ever. They're getting worse. The dreams.

Open on Chris, a young man, at a sink, washing. His friend ++++ enters, bringing with her their mutual friend *****.
"Chris, you know *****"
Turns around, "Of course, *****! It's so good to see you again!" They embrace.
"And this, of course is ~~~~"
He walks up to Chris and extends his hand for a shake.~~~~ says, "It's so good to finally meet you."
Chris turns abruptly back towards the sink, looks down and says quietly, "Get the fuck out of my house."
~~~~ says, "I told you," before angrily turning around and leaving the house. But he is not gone for long...

Fuck. This is why I can't sleep. Don't you see? It has a lot less to do with insomnia and a lot more to do with the fact that I'm absolutely terrified of what happens when I close my eyes and my mind is once again free. I've worked so hard these last months to take control of myself again. I'm trying to take better care of myself. I'm working out regularly for the first time in, well ever, I guess. I'm trying to eat better, I'm keeping myself away from bad distractions like alcohol and knives and am spending more time with healthy distractions like music, friends, meditation, and finding a job. Pretty much in that order too. I've tried so hard. But when I sleep I lose all that power. That door I work so hard to keep shut bursts open when I sleep and that waking nightmare that I lived for four months comes back in full force and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm trying. Truly, I'm trying. But its hard. And God, does it hurt. Give me strength. Please. I am so very weak. So very hurt.