The Tonight Show with Chris Echesabal!

I'm just going to go ahead and say it, I love Conan O'Brien. I've never been into late night talk shows but of all of them, the only one I've ever watched in any kind of serious manner is Conan's. I used to watch Late Night almost daily (nightly?) and I was thoroughly excited when he finally moved out to LA to take over the Tonight Show. Needless to say, I'm firmly on the side of Team Coco.

At any rate, I've watched the latest NBC late night chaos over the last couple months with the kind of open eyed disgust that one uses to stare at a car crash. I hate Jay Leno, yes, and I love Conan, true, and I'm fully aware that its because Conan represents the kind of young, coastal, intellectual humor and culture that I appreciate. While Leno fits into that middle America, lowest common denominator kind of humor. So I'm not going to come out and say he's not funny, because humor just isn't one of those things that can be subjectively criticized. I'll just say I don't think he's funny and that if you do think he's funny thats fine by me, you're more than welcome to be the mouth breathing ignorant slug you were raised to be. That's fair, right?
Anywho, the reason for this post is that Jay Leno will be returning to the Tonight Show in March after Conan's last night as host tonight. Of course, he'll naturally fail at this job again, NBC will continue to hemorrage money and ratings and before too long he'll be back in "retirement". Now when this happens in a year or so, they're going to need a new host for the Tonight Show and, presumably, Conan won't be invited back. Therefore, I nominate myself as heir apparent to the Tonight Show chair and desk.
I think I am fully capable of taking on such a position. I am clever, witty, and topical. I am always up to date on national and international politics and I have a scathing view of modern pop culture. My humor derives from many sources and experiences and can, at times, be dry, wry, absurd, physical, linguistic, and historical. I am experienced at improvisation, comic writing, and acting in sketches. I have expressive facial features and limbs that are comical in the sheer absurdity of their size. Seriously, have you seen my hands? Which reminds me, I'd be fantastic at monologues. Have you ever heard me say "Have you heard about this? Have you seen this?" It's like I've been doing it for years. I was born to host this show and, given the chance, I think I could excel at it. Thank you.

And Conan, I will miss you as host of Tonight Show but rest assured I will be watching you, wherever you go.

And no, that wasn't supposed to sound like a threat to stalk you.