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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Homecoming or "Second Verse, Same as the First"

As I approach the end of this year's adventure, it makes me ponder several things, many of which I'll not be able to put into words but which float around my head like wet vapor anyways. The first of these, though, is whether or not I accomplished my goals for this trip. And to that, I have to say that three weeks later, I'm still not sure what it is I had hoped to accomplish.  My most practical and secular goal of this trip was to go abroad. Somewhere, anywhere. And to that extent, obviously I've succeeded. I've travelled abroad annually for the last eight years and to have not done so this year would have been very damaging to me. However, in a more real, less tangible sense, I used this trip as an opportunity to escape. To escape the mundane world of Delaware, Ohio; a distasteful job; and a life that, at present, lacks direction or focus. And, I suppose, I accomplished that, if only for a few weeks. The unpleasantness that weighs on me now is that nothing will have changed. My job will remain distasteful, my town will remain what it is, and my life will continue to be unfocused and lost. So, what have I really gained in all this?

I thought perhaps by travelling, by returning to something I've long known I enjoyed, I could escape some of the dread and fear that has nagged at me for more than a year now. But I find that halfway across the world that same dread and those same fears followed me. The nausea of day to day life remains with me in Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam and all the troubles, though further away, remain a preoccupation for me. They still stand in my way of, well of whatever it is I think I'm supposed to be feeling. By the time I get home the best lesson I've have learned out of all this is that I can't run from my problems. Which, though a useful one, is not particularly palatable to me.

Finally, I have to say that while I absolutely enjoyed this trip; it was an adventure from start to finish one that I'll always remember fondly; I must say it was the least fun I've ever had on an overseas trip. Now it's times like this where I have to carefully define my words. Fun is something we think we all understand but apparently my idea of "fun" like so many other of my ideas, is more nuanced and complicated than that of others. I had fun. I cannot deny it, I did fun things and met some fun people, and overall I had a good time. But yet, there was a feeling during these last three weeks of, merely going through the motions, if that makes any sense to you. I felt no real sense of excitement or premature expectation of enjoyment. Like a bueracrat, I went to the travel agencies, chose my trips, paid, duly attended my trips with all the necessary pleasure and joy that was expected of me and then came back. Rinse. Repeat. It's difficult to explain. It was fun, yes, of course and yet...it wasn't. Ah well. Que sea, sea. What was, was.

Now I return home to the same, same, same. Just with one more adventure behind me. One more thing I don't have to look forward to. Hahaha, if that isn't the most pessimistic way of looking at a vacation possible, then I just don't what is. I do look forward to a real bed again. So at least I have that. Wish me luck, its a long plane ride ahead of me. I love you all. Goodnight.

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