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Friday, December 24, 2010

Here We Go Again

I try to avoid writing blog entries on or around major holidays for one major reason: I hate most holidays. None more so than Christmas. Now before you go ahead and call me a Scrooge or a Grinch or some other fictional character of yuletide fame, let me say that I'm not out petitioning to get Christmas banned and I don't go out of my way to bring down others' holiday cheer. Like many other things in this world, I am perfectly capable of seeing the appeal in Christmas, I just don't care for it. I'm sure Christmas is great, really. I mean, plenty of people like it, right? Love it even. Its just not for me.

And I find its getting worse. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm getting older and Christmas doesn't have the appeal anymore as it did during my childhood. I certainly don't go downstairs in the morning to see piles upon piles of all the cool toys I'd been eyeing recently. Nowadays all we have under the tree are a handful of books, maybe a dvd or two and giftcards in colorful little envelopes. All wonderful things of course, and almost all things I'd been wanting but I think I miss the visual of it. The excitement and wonder of childhood Christmas mornings. And more than anything else, I just feel lonely.

As I wrote not too long ago, I'm currently in the stage where I'm feeling rather content with my family. I'm closer to my sister than I've ever been in my life and her husband feels like a close friend. I'm not happy exactly, but I feel familial for probably the first time in my life. I just can't help but wish I had something else. I wish I had someone to care about. I kinda wish I had someone to worry about me when things turned dark. Sometimes I miss my self-destructive behavior, it made me feel less lonely. And even though I'll be spending all day tomorrow with my family, I can't help but feel totally alone.

Sorry. Have a happy Christmas, all of you.

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