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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Fever Induced Nap Dreams

I'm on the second floor of a large, grand-looking house, over looking the open foyer downstairs. It's dark in here, the only light coming from the street lamps outside shining through a large window. I try a switch on the wall and a collection of multi-colored christmas lights burst into illumination outside. Well, that's not what I wanted. I flip the switch again. Rather than turning off, a second set of christmas lights inside turn on. I flip it again and the inside lights turn off but those outside still remain on. I flip a different switch, the inside christmas lights turn back on. I flip a third switch and the outside christmas lights turn off.
I walk outside. Across the street, a young woman in an ugly gray dress steps out from behind a car, takes notice of me, and pulls a knife out of her belt. She screams and throws the knife at me, it flies over head, missing my by an inch or two and I go back inside. There is a second scream. I return outside to see that the girl, having given chase had been hit by a car in the street. I run over to her but she is already dead. A police officer is standing over her body, checking her pulse but he confirms the worst. When he stands up he is holding two dolls. "Have you ever seen these before?" he asks. I shake my head no and walk back towards my house. I had bought her those dolls after her father died. BRAAAAHM!!
I turn back towards my house but stop when I notice, illuminated by red and green twinkling lights, a shetland pony walking around on the wall of my house. Seemingly unaffected by gravity, the small pony is walking around on the vertical wall and taking bites out of the brick like my house were a pasture.

In other news, the girl at the coffee shop made a joke about Tom Waits tonight. I think I'm in love.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Why I Do What I Do, vol.1

I compulsively lock doors. Whenever I go through a door, if it has a lock, I lock it. I do this because I know that the one time that I don't lock my door, that's the time that they'll walk in and kill me.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Chris's VD Explosion!

Let me say something quietly and humbly for a moment. I had low expectations for Valentine's Day. In fact, I had even gone out of my way to engage these expectations. I bought myself a 48 oz party-size bag of peanut m&ms which I spent the day engorging on. I had every intention of getting myself completely hammered that night and solemnly crawling alone into my bed. And yet, something entirely unexpected happened. On my way back from the gym I had decided to stop for coffee at Caribou Coffee and then just hang out there and be lonely until they closed. But who did I find in that the coffee shop but a kindred spirit, a friend of whom I knew little, and a young man who was there at that same Caribou Coffee hiding out from the world and the same feelings as I. And so instead of sitting alone and feeling lonely the two of us sat together for a few hours as the Caribou workers cleaned up and tried to hint to us that they were closing. And we sat and talked about sitting alone and feeling lonely. And in doing that we found...something or other. I don't know. We talked for a couple hours and then, you know, went our seperate ways. And that's what I did on Valentine's Day. It was unexpected but with such low expectations, it might have even been a good night.

In conclusion, fuck you valentine's day. And fuck you, everyone who enjoyed their valentine's day.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Fun Game Is Fun

It's time for another installment of everyone's favorite game Stuff in Chris's Bag! Where we look and see the things that Chris carries around in that shoulder bag he always has with him. So first things first, which bag are we looking at today?
Flight of the Conchords: classy, hip, slightly esoteric, and no longer relevant; a perfect choice

Lucy, my ever-present ipod. As you can see, I'm currently listening to the Slate Political Gabfest. Good choice, Chris.
Bottle of Kroger brand aspirin. Sure, why not?

Water bottle. Do you spend over a dollar for disposable plastic water bottles? Well then fuck you.
A rather absurdly complicated swiss army that I got for Christmas and will probably never, ever use for any purpose. Look at that thing, it has a saw!

Aaron, my lacrosse ball. It hurts.

The latest issues of The Economist and Foreign Affairs Magazine because I'm awesome like that.

 And finally my current book of the...moment. The final book in the Percy Jackson & The Olympians series.
Well folks, wasn't that thoroughly interesting?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Even Strayer Observations

Sometimes I feel like a homeless person. Wandering around town, not talking or making eye contact with anyone. I probably spend far too much time on benches. I'll buy food at the gas station and eat it while wandering around aimlessly. The only thing I'm really missing is the cigarettes.

Actually, sometimes I wish I smoked. I think it would make me look much cooler and less weird when I'm leaning up against walls, not doing anything. Also, I feel like I really would have started smoking except that during that time when people start smoking (middle school/high school) no one ever offered me one. I was never peer pressured into smoking! Its horrible, I know. I would've absolutely given into peer pressure if only someone would've asked.

Sometimes it bothers me that she stays out later than I do. It makes me feel incredibly lame. Then I realize I'm not lame, I just don't have any friends.

I have the bee key. The key with the bee. That opens the bee.

I was flipping through a book at work tonight called "1001 Places You Must See Before You Die", besides the annoying reference to my own mortality and its obnoxious sense of self-importance (I must see these places?), the book reminded me of two things: 1) I've been to some pretty cool places, not 1001 but like twelve and 2) I have to figure out where I'm going to go this year. I might try to go to Ecuador, there are some neat things there. If I can raise the money it might be nice to do my Spain pilgrimage this summer though and there's always Tibet with my father if I can arrange it. Or perhaps a wildcard?

Drunk driving is not cool, you guys. Not cool.

I love The Beatles as much as the next guy but the album With The Beatles actually has some pretty shitty songs on it.